-DC Showcase, Superman/Shazam: The Return of Black Adam
Let me tell you about Billy Batson.
Let me tell you.
This brilliant little bastard works a part time job as a reporter, then gets chosen by Dumbledore, THAT’S RIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS I SAID DUMBLEDORE only he’s calling himself SHAZAM because of Wizard Witness Protection,
S The wisdom of Solomon;
H The strength of Hercules;
A The stamina of Atlas;
Z The power of Zeus;
A The courage of Achilles;
M The speed of Mercury.
JUST THINK ABOUT THAT. THINK ABOUT THAT.
THE WISDOM OF SOLOMON. Captain Marvel will kick your ass and still run circles around your punkass pseudo-nihilistic philosophy.
THE STRENGTH OF HERCULES. The strength—this is Hercules, this is the guy that held the fucking world for Atlas once before he peaced out because there weren’t enough bitches in space. Speaking of Atlas…
THE STAMINA OF ATLAS. This poor motherfucker is still holding the world, and if you’re lucky, he’ll be holding it till the end of fucking time. Hell, none of us can hold the groceries up long enough to get the key in the fucking door. Don’t lie.
THE POWER OF MOTHERFUCKING ZEUS. I’m not even going to say anything here and if you have a problem with that you better get ready to dodge the hail-storm of fucking lightning bolts.
THE COURAGE OF ACHILLES. This bastard went toe to toe with the fucking city of Troy and put it on its knees, knowing he was going to die. I get nervous making a left hand turn and this jack-ass shrugged off divine motherfucking prophecy because fuck the police, I do what I want.
THE SPEED OF MERCURY. This crafty motherfucker is faster than fucking Santa Claus. You know how I know that? Because not even Zeus was able to pin this bastard down and make him drag a shitload of toys around to every punkass kid who didn’t incite civil war or spit in a demi-god’s eye. This crafty bastard is fast enough to escape his divine chores and fuck around with Apollo all day.
Back to Billy, REMEMBERING HE HAS ALL OF THAT IN HIM: when he wants to fight crime, does he go somewhere and put on a different colored pair of underpants? NO. THIS BAD ASS CALLS DOWN MOTHERFUCKING LIGHTING OUT. He’s like
COME AT ME, BRO
AND THEN HE RIDES THAT BITCH TO INVINCIBILITY.
That is Billy fucking Batson.
Perfect post is perfect.